Saturday, May 3, 2008

It has struck me lately what a deeply odd person I actually must be. If I read my actions as I would the actions of a character in a book, what would they say about me? I wake up with a terrible hangover at nine am, and instead of taking advil and going back to bed, I spend the morning running errands hungover and probably a little fucked-up still. (They have to shred my first set of forms at the bank because I sign like three too many times.) My logic is thus: I hate wasting time. Errands are a waste of time. Lying around with a headache is a waste of time. But combining the two is an ingenious, two-negatives-make-a-positive experience which mollifies the hangover when combined with breakfast and coffee, and also leads to quirky character-sketch-type stories like how they had to shred my documents at the bank because I was hungover and kept signing too many times. It's very cyclical logic, but it makes sense to me, and actually makes living more bearable, keeps away the crushing melancholic black bile, etc, but I don't expect anyone to understand that.

In every close group of friends I've ever had, I always feel like the latecomer, the outsider, the observer. No matter how close I get to people, I am sifting their lives for stories, for insights, for poetic lines. I never feel known. I am an open book but feel I keep the deepest and truest part of me guarded like a stronghold. I am basically without judgments, and my personality is the lack of a personality, is bits and pieces I've taken from everyone and everything I've ever loved, down to the way I say the word "amazing." I feel I do not have that hardwired "soul" in my brain that people swear by. I am a receptacle, a sum, a series of actions and choices in a void. People like me because I don't exist and they see themselves in me. Is this an antisocial thing, a writer thing, or a human thing?

I sort of see myself in a fishtank, trying to touch and speak to and love the people around me but blocked by muffling glass walls.

This is the kind of thing I imagine is like that secret, universal, uniting belief everyone has that they are unique and different. wonder if everyone feels this way.

No comments: