Monday, April 14, 2008

I was exchanging ideas with Jess D.B. about What It All Means -- this string of bad luck that started back in January. Of course I concede that in certain ways it is random, meaningless, only chaos coming together in seeming congruence before it spirals out again into bedlam, but in other ways there is a lesson I must take from this, and the conscious, interconnected, breathing universe must be trying to tell me something. She says her ear infection means she needs to hear something that she's missing. So what does all this blood-eyed, puss-throated, broke-in shit mean for me?

The last time I was so sick for so long, I was miserable, still in Indiana a year after graduating college to make a guy happy, living with aforementioned guy without the guts to break up and move on. I felt suffocated by everything, and kept getting respiratory and nasal infections.

I don't think I want to leave Boston. Not yet. I haven't done so much here. This is so different. It's not like I can narrow it down to one pattern or person or place. Maybe it's my way of being right now. My gut tells me that the thefts, the recurrent throat and eye infections, the constant sickness, is telling me take better care of myself. To stop doing so much for other people. To stop worrying what other people think of me entirely. To stop looking so hard for happiness and stop being jealous of others' successes (eyes), to stop needing attention and praise as a source of self-worth (throat), and to stop being so careless and trusting, to stop going out of my way so much for others, to pay more attention to what I need and want at the time (theft).

I must eliminate those things which are not good for me. Cut out negative acts, people, and mindsets. Surround myself with joy and creativity and calm.

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