Friday, December 7, 2007

fear in winter

Jme's feature was fucking amazing. Everyone in fantastic form. Prohibition repeal day it was and a swing band in 20's era costume pulls up in Rolls Royce while we're out smoking and I Charleston with Artie on the sidewalk.

Say what you will, it's good not to be the best writer in the room. How else will you ever work?

So many things are going so well right now I have trouble trusting life. After the past year of no and sweat and alone and plane rides to get away and phone calls to other time zones and too much caffeine and steady numbing pills and fetal positions on Friday nights I cannot really get my feet stuck in happy. I dance in a tornado of new friends and loving but then when it's quiet and I'm back in my room I think of the people I've shared bed with and something is it fear is it loss dulls the flutters in my chest. Somewhere I maybe feel the bristling spine of the scared and lonely young thing who could not do it, could never have done it, but I put her away and keep working.

I will never go back to being afraid, I tell myself. All courage is is setting steadily one foot in front of the other.

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