Monday, October 22, 2007

On Vampiring

Man, being a vampire is hard work. I'm all scraped and bruised, and last night I had to go home early because I twisted my knee. Still, there's nothing as gratifying as scaring a group of cocky teenage boys so badly they run into a wall and fall into a pile.

Dracula's Dungeon is an unstoppable force. We will scare the shit out of you if it's the last thing we do. If it breaks our bodies, we will make you piss yourself.

I've noticed a range of distinct types of attitudes in the customers of the house.

1: The truly terrified. Often children or large groups of teenage girls. They scream, huddle together, cower, and sometimes cry. One teenage girl got so scared she ran face-first into a corner. We were worried we broke her face, but she was okay. These people are the most fun to scare.

2: The "I'm-Here-To-Be-Scared" laughers. This is the group I fall into when I go through other houses. A lot of times groups of young boys fall into this group, but also generally 20-somethings on dates and the good-natured, childless middle-aged. They come in, scream, are scared by us, then laugh -- not at us, but with us in a sort of "oh, you got me" way. When I laugh like this, I'm laughing at myself for being scared. Big groups of boys who run through and fall over each other laugh with a refreshing joy-of-life, like "thank you, universe, for letting me be scared by these vampires," and it makes me love everything.

3: The "I'm-Really-A-Coward" laughers. The people who are such deeply pathetic pussies that they come in and think it makes them look brave to mock and taunt the actors. Yes, because it takes a lot of balls to go into a funhouse full of paid actors in makeup and make fun of them. I bet if anything truly scary ever happened to these people, they'd shit their knickers. We get these a lot, especially on nights the Sox are playing. They are almost always males, ranging in age from say, 13 to 70. Making these douches jump is a source of great pride for us, and we always get them at least once before they leave. If you are one of these people, know we see through the act to the canary-yellow stripe down your back, and we're all glad you paid 20 bucks to make yourself look bad in front of your homies/children/extended family/wife/girlfriend/girl who thinks you're a great guy, but doesn't like you like that.

4: The "Shit-I-Shouldn't-Have-Brought-My-Four-Year-Old" laughers. Sometimes parents with petrified children will affect this disturbing, forced laugh when we scare them. This never bothers me, because they're obviously trying to mollify the child's terror, but Christ, people, what are you thinking bringing those super little ones through Dracula's Dungeon? I would think it would be even scarier to be surrounded by vampires, and instead of sharing in your fear, your parents are laughing maniacally. But what do I know about kids?