Yesterday was not good. I was more depressed than I have been for weeks. I can see now why. I got off work at noon after 3 hours of sleep, took a brief nap, then listened to my recent favorite album, Time Out of Mind. These songs ring too true right now, and their poignancy will maybe never be as fully understood by anyone who did not listen to the album in full while driving around the streets of Boston at 5 am after leaving someone's house for the last time. It was someone's birthday yesterday.
I couldn't write. For twelve hours I tried, but I just couldn't. Finally I gave up, did the dishes, listened to Joni Mitchell and watched girly anime. Fushigi Yuugi and Camel Turkish Golds. Drank some Starbucks Gold Coast and Knob Creek. Drunk dialed folks in other states. Paid rent and wandered down to the convenience store for bread and cheese. This is bachelor life.
I worry my friendship with the boy with the scars in irrecoverable. Hanging out with me only makes him sad. I know how hard it can be to be around someone you want who doesn't want you, and I don't want to do that to him. But I miss his company.
I'm still seriously thinking about quitting Starbucks, but I have no idea what I'd do. I might consider graduating to a "real" job, but... god, I don't want to get fat. I don't want to be so burned out mentally that I can't stand to sit at a computer for another second. I don't want to hang a photo of my dog in my cubicle.