Saturday, August 25, 2007

it's not dark yet, but it's getting there

I realized upon talking to Mallory online last night that for the first time I can think of, the only person I'm angry with (aside of course, from the usuals I don't actually know, e.g. Paris Hilton and the President) is myself. I should I guess offer myself the same level of forgiveness and slack I offer these others who do pretty much the same stupid shit I do, albeit usually without the muttering and swearing and maybe without the crazy-eyes, emo-running black eyeliner or what have you.

I was sobbing the other night in the passenger seat of a car. Been a while since that's happened. I'm finally grown up enough that I can cry around other people.

Sara-with-no-H and I talked about self-loathing, and how it is actually a form of pride. I gotta relearn to get over my goddamned self. I ain't no better nor worse than anyone of you, or the President, or Paris Hilton.

Well, maybe a little better than those two... ;)


Lisa Reade said...

Self-loathing as a form of pride. Hmm. This is something I have thought a lot about over the past few years. Did you come up with any other related answers?

deixis said...

you know, i've thought about this, too, though i think i was loath to call it self-loathing, per se. but whenever i feel inadequate or anxious or stupid, i know that it's pretty much just my vanity everting, turning itself inside out like one of those reversible jackets. because i wouldn't be worried about those things if i didn't deep down inside have such an unreasonably high opinion of myself. the problem is of course that i know it to be unreasonably high. and it makes me, well, emo. angsty. miserable.

now humility--that's a completely different matter. i think that true humility is probably only achievable when you have a secure knowledge of your own worth. because there's no humility in the mere form of abjection, right? there has to be something that's sacrificed, something that you know is your due. i think i'd like to be humble, if only for the self-knowledge that i think is its prerequisite.

--err, sorry for going on and on, but, you know. rang a bell, touched a chord, resonated, etc. etc.