Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I have lost all of my friends.

Last night I could not sit in my apartment sweating alone. I left and drove to Central Square. It was Bluegrass night at the Cantab. I went alone and the night was wet and sticky, and I felt the grease resting on my face, but the hot night reminded me of so many summers, and summer nights have their own comfort.

The Cantab was crowded, I could not stand or sit. I went outside to smoke and sat with Mike, the door man. I used to take IDs at a bar last summer in Indiana. I took his seat and did his job for him as we talked.

We talked for an hour and a half. He said he had a good feeling for me, and his feelings are right. That I will be fine. That it will be okay.

Mike said not to be too upset or surprised. That anyone who met me would fall in love with me because I have a kind heart. I said he didn't know me, and I meant he didn't know the way I am sometimes, the spinning thoughts and crying and whatever, but I said he didn't know me.

When the crowd died down I went inside and drank beer and listened to the music. A man asked me if I came alone, and when I said yes, he said I was brave. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean.

Slept late today, then drank coffee, ate an egg sandwich. It is raining and I sit on my back porch with music and notebooks, but just stare at the rain.

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