I guess I've been closer to depressed for the past couple of months than I have been in quite a while. I just wish I could figure out what the fuck I'm doing. When I'm leaving. Whether I'm quitting my job or not.
It is so stupid, I think, to be so upset over something that never really was. I know This Boy is the main thing which has been bringing me down, making everything else worse or opaque or not matter. I'm a romantic, yes, but at times I still can't fathom that two people can have such a mystic connection and feelings for each other and fuck things up so badly. It seems so unjust. I'm more angry with the Universe than I am with him.
For myself, I've had to put distance between us. He said that night wouldn't be the last time we'll ever talk, but I know it probably will be. I can't see him making the leap to get in touch with me, and at this point I just can't do it myself.
Yes I am sad. I will be too sad about this for too long, and that's okay. This kind of thing is what makes one a human being, after all.
But I think it was worth it. I have moments now in my memory that you wouldn't believe, that don't happen outside of movies or books, but happened somehow to me. I just have to keep telling myself that this is enough.